The urgent need to blog because everyone else is.. The tension going on grips me it does but i try to act like i don't care. Then again how can I care when there is no need to, I don't need to feel worry or grief because of what people say to each other or how people are treated. Its too much trouble to care about others all the time and sometimes focusing on your own goals and challenges is a nice change.
Call me ignorant because of that but face the reality, that if i never hear then I will never know. Seems like a terms worth of study, stress, anxiety and conflict are all occcuring on the last 2 weeks of term. Im ok with that. Honestly I am, im more mature now believe it or not. I realise now that in the past I have purposely made myself fail in order to differentiate myself from the human race and give me a false sense of security. I need that hit of security, when I unconsciously pursuade myself to fail, to feel strong and independant. This feeling made up for the lack of my strength and independance.
I loved the feeling of certainty, and I aim for the same feeling in everything I do, the certainty that I was an idiot.. and i probably still am an idiot but at least now im aware of it. This is probably what Adam is refering to. "Year 12 is a test to see how well you handle what is thrown at you." - guest speaker from day one of hell.